What's this? A new post less than two weeks after my last one? Thought I'd start sharing my Martlet submissions with visitors to this site - all six of them. (Hi Mom!)
The following story appeared in the Martlet's April Fool's Day issue, a British tabloid called O Really?!.
Bush's Secret Weapon Wears Tights
by Mac Brady
With violence escalating in the Middle East and support for his administration decreasing at home, President George W. Bush announced a new strategy on the War on Terror. "What's faster than a speeding bullet?" Bush asked reporters. "More powerful than a locomotive? Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound? No, not Neo. No, not a rocket-propelled King Kong - come on people, think." After a five-minute pause and faced with blank stares, Bush replied, "Superman - you know, the Man of Steel."
Rumours of Superman's recent demise are unfounded, Bush stated. Though Superman last made headlines twenty years ago with the defeat of Nuclear Man, "I can assure you he'll receive ample press coverage for his return this summer." The rise of worldwide insurgent action "clearly indicates the need for truth, justice and the American way. And only one man, Superman, has built a career on those ideals."
"During our recent phone conversation," Bush told reporters, "I told Superman how much his heroic deeds inspired me with pride as a youth. Every Sunday, I would read in the local paper how he'd defeated yet another threat to our nation. And that's the kind of consistency America needs in its mission overseas."
Bush commended Warner Bros. Entertainment for their instrumental role in bringing Superman out of retirement. Warner executives thanked the President for the military-sponsored expense budget, but offered no further comment.
Regarding Superman arch-nemesis Lex Luthor, Bush had this to say: "It is my firm belief that Luthor is a key figure in the Axis of Evil. Any new dastardly scheme he may mastermind, I am confident Superman will foil."
Bush ended the press conference with a warning to al-Queda. "Osama Bin Laden, you're days of hiding are numbered. Justice may be blind, but Superman has X-ray vision. And you can't hide from that." Bush then paused a moment. "Well, unless you live in a hideout made of lead."
